28.11.2013

Thanksgiving (But pretty much everything is off-topic, so it really should be called something else.)

Hi everyone.

I really needed an outlet for what's going through my head right now and then I thought to myself, isn't a blog rarely anyone reads the perfect spot for that?

So here it goes.

It already sounds stupid in my head.

Today is Thanksgiving, a holiday that I didn't really care for during my time in the States. I definitely enjoyed being together, but it looked more like a reason to eat tons of food, start of the Christmas-season and go crazy at the mall (after just going crazy at the dinner table).
 But then, today, sitting in class, my family being across the country and my other family being across the ocean, enjoying their time together with their "new" au-pair, my heart really started aching.

I don't even know why - oh, jeez and now I'm crying just thinking about it.

I still have this thing where I get really possessive, I guess it's one of the consequences of all my years of being bullied, by myself and learning not to trust people. So as soon as I have something, it doesn't have to be as big as my family and memories in the States, but pretty much anything that gives my joy (even the gospel, but I'm really trying and fighting to get over that one fast), I don't want anyone else to experience or have it as well. I think that I had too many experiences, that when that happened these things got taken away from me or destroyed in some other way.

I know some of my American friends reading this are probably not going to think this way of me at all. And that just shows how deep rooted this problem is in me. That I can live 2 years in another country, share my life with good people, that became the best friends I ever had and just keep acting the show thats called my life, without letting anyone see behind the curtains.

Anyway, so the stupidest and worst thing going through my mind is, that deep inside I don't want to see my host family happy. I mean they should and can be happy, but just not as happy as they were with me (it's a horrible, horrible thing to say, but...) - like I said, pretty possessive.

It is just so unbelievably stupid and embarrassing to think and then even write on the Internet.

 Not only because there were also hard, unhappy and sad times, but also because there were so many situations were I didn't handle things right, overreacted or was just lost about what to do. And I'm still beating myself up for all these moments and I know that my time in the States were overall the happiest years of my life, but there are and will always all these tiny dark spots that are overshadowing my memories. And I really need to forgive myself for these or each moment will hunt me and catch up with me...like it's doing already on an unhealthily regular basis.

 So back to this whole Thanksgiving-thing.
This evening I got to another low-point, once again watching videos of my host dad talking about medicine only to hear his voice. I kept looking up people on Facebook and looking at photos and I feel someone should be beating me with a stick for being so desperate, and to make me stop doing this to myself, because every time I'm just digging myself deeper into this hole, that apparently I have to get into once a month.
I guess I really should be thankful for being one of the few privileged people to have had such a wonderful experience, that I'm actually crying my heart out on a regular basis for not being able to live this life anymore.
But truth is I can't really right now, because all I can feel is hurting and longing.
So yeah, that's my Thanksgiving 2013. Saddest in history. While having the stupidest feelings ever.

If you actually read this far - thanks; you can be proud of yourself for getting through this crazy-talk and rambling. I kind of feel a little bit better right now, but wow, this is some crazy stuff that I wrote. But I guess thats my life. So yeah, deal with it, Theresa.

 I love you guys and miss you so insanely much!
Theresa

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